When I think about life-changing advice books or “How to...” guides, I often quickly stumble over the word confidence. How to be more confident (and therefore more successful and likeable)? Companies on social media sell apps and online programs promising to help you speak more confidently (and gain more power) or simply look more confident. These are often decorated with pictures of aged women—wrinkle-free, silver-haired, with flat, defined tummies.

And if I don’t reach my goals, I’m told I should never let it scratch my confidence—never let failure damage it.

In short, people and social media around us seem to know how to be filled with the superpower of confidence (and therefore be superwoman). More importantly, they seem to believe that if you’re not confident, you’re a failure.

To me, confidence means superpower, strength, willpower, belief in myself—but often it also means pressure: pressure to always have it together, never show weakness or doubt. And honestly, that feels exhausting.

Why do I always have to be confident? Can’t I be weak, whiny, flappy, or just plain floppy sometimes? Do I have to do everything with a smile on my face?

Because real life isn’t like that. Confidence isn’t about being perfect or fearless. It’s about showing up even when you don’t feel like it. It’s about trying again after you fail, and even letting that failure scratch your confidence a little—so it’s not so shiny anymore. Because those dents and scratches show what you’ve mastered—that you stood up again, and tried again.

I don’t think confidence is something you’re simply born with or lose because of your childhood. It’s more complicated—it’s something we build, piece by piece, through experience and self-acceptance.

Maybe, confidence isn’t the right word at all. It’s too short to capture the mix of feelings I have when I finally achieve something I’ve worked hard for—a mix of relief, pride, vulnerability, and even doubt.

So instead of chasing confidence as a perfect state, maybe it’s about accepting all the messy parts of ourselves—the strong and the weak—and still moving forward in our scratched skin. That’s the kind of confidence I want to live by.

And I am very confident in that!